Unsent Letters
by madelinemaryann
Summary: Lukas Bondevik's life is far from perfect and, while suffering from depression, he starts writing down all his thoughts and feelings in letters he'll never send to his best friend Mathias Kohler. T for self-harm and maybe a bit OOC Bad summary is bad but please give it shot :3
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this story is kind of an experiment. I'm not really sure how this is going to turn out, but each chapter will be rather drabble-ish and in letter format.  
Please excuse any grammar/spelling errors- I get lazy when proof reading =_="  
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy :3**

* * *

Dear Mathias,

I don't really know how to start this, not that matters, you won't be reading this and I'm not really sure why I'm doing this, but I read somewhere that if you have problems and no one will listen, writing your feelings down helps. So this is what I'm doing- writing down everything that's on my mind in unsent letters to you.

I don't have problems as such, I have... well... I don't know. I guess I'm just down, always down. It's like that feeling you have after you've had a bad day, but I have it all the time. It's like a bad day that won't end.

And it's not that no one will listen either, I don't doubt you would, but it's like I can't say the things I want you to hear, but I'm not like you. You can say whatever you want. You aren't scared of getting judged and people care about what you have to say. I want to say what's my mind but whenever I go to, there's always a little nagging voice in my head that says no one cares about what I have to say. It doesn't bother me so much anymore, it's always been there and I've kind of become accustomed to it.

Do you have a little voice in your head? Does it tell you what to say and what not to say like mine? Does it tell you that you're worthless and everyone will be better off without you or does it tell you that everything's going to okay and that things will get better? I've often wondered what happens in that head of yours- how can you always be so happy? How can you always be smile?  
You know, I used to hate you because of that fact you were always so happy, I couldn't understand how you could always be smiling when everything in this world is so terrible, but then I remembered- You're not like me, you're life isn't terrible.

I look at what you have- a loving family, countless friends, somewhat good grades. Then I look at what I have- A father who ran off with a Icelandic super model, a step brother who refuses to acknowledge the fact that we're related, an alcoholic mother who doesn't care about me, need I go on?

Do you remember early today, at lunch? You told me that I was too thin and I had to eat more, I told you that I'm just naturally skinny. I was lying, and I think you know that. I hate lying to you, but it's the only thing I can do to stop you finding out the truth.

It's so confusing- I want to tell things you but I can't, I want you to know the truth but I can't stop lying.

I'm just a dirty little worthless liar and I really don't deserve you as a friend,

Lukas


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: You guys awesome! *glomps everyone* Thank you for all the reviews and follows! It makes me so happy!  
****So, this chapter really should have been posted yesterday, but I was busy visiting family (I still am but mt grandparents have internet so it's all good)  
****Also, it's my birthday tomorrow! Gonna be 16! I'll try and update tomorrow as well because you guys are awesome and deserve my time and writing effort.**

**Anyway, this is chapter is just a bit of Lukas's back-story and bttvictim suggested I write letter from Mathias as well. I think that's a pretty good idea, but I probably won't start until a little later on.**

* * *

Dear Mathias,

There isn't much I have to say today. You know how things are with school, most of it anyway. And family is the same as always. Did I ever tell you about my family? You know the basics anyway, that's more than anyone else can say. I keep thinking about my dad, but never the good times like the times he used to take me to park on the other side of town. You wouldn't know the place, this was back when we lives in Norway. When I think of my father, I can only remember the bad things, the scary things. Things like him screaming at my mum in the middle of the night. Not exactly pleasant memories.

When I was little, after dad left, my mum used to hold me as she cried and she'd tell me that he was just away on business and he'd come back and then everything would be alright. It was a laughable excuse even then, but it still gave my seven year old self hope and, between you and me, it still does. Even though I know he's off fucking that slut in Iceland, I still cling on to the idea of him turning up randomly on our doorstep with a suitcase and countless apologies.

Is it stupid that I'm still hoping for that silly little fantasy to come true? I think it's stupid anyway.

I can almost imagine you in the room with me right now. You'd be standing behind me, with your head resting on the top of mine and your arms draped over my shoulders. You'd be reading this letter as I wrote it and you'd say it isn't stupid that I'm still waiting for my dad to come back. That's around the point where I'd start calling you an idiot.

I'm not really sure where this is going, so I'll stop now before it starts getting creepy.

I think about you in a lot of situations. I like to think about what it would be like if you were always following me around- outside of school I mean, I know you follow after me like a lost puppy during the school anyway. I think about how different life would be if you were constantly with me, how there would never be a silent moment at home unlike now where it's pretty much all silence, and how you'd make everything seem a little more livelier and brighter than this depressing dump called my house.

When was the last time you came over to mine? It must have been at least a year ago; things have been pretty quiet here these last few months. Well, my social life has anyway, but I've never been one for big crowds and constant communication- it gets annoying and too noisy. I can't say the same for mum though; she's been sleeping with a different man every other night. Each one of is going to be "the one" because has "a special feeling about this one."

She's drunk half the time now as well, drunk or hung over. I'm not sure which one is worse- the sickly sweet _"tonight's the night I meet the man of my dreams and we'll all live happily ever after"_ or depressed and angry _"why the hell aren't you at school? Get the fuck out of my face!"_

That's a bit of a depressing way to finish things, but I don't have anything else to write,

Lukas


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Four follows, three favourites, two reviews, an author favourite and an author follow within twenty four hours of updating! **

**Holy fruk I love you guys! Also today is my sixteenth birthday so thank you ninjafish13 for the early happy birthday! **

**This chapter is, so far, my least favourite, so I'll use the "It's my birthday" excuse, because it is.**

**(Damn it spell check, I am spelling favourite right! TT_TT)**

**Anyway, on with chapter 3~!**

* * *

Dear Mathias,

My mum was actually home when I got back earlier, and she was laughing and smiling. It got my hopes up and I thought she was finally turning a new leaf. But no, there was some random guy in the kitchen with her- he stank of cigarettes and alcohol. Apparently mum met him last night, and we all know what that means.

He tried acting all friendly and father-ish with me by patting my head and ruffling my hair. I glared at him and slapped his hand away. That upset my mum so she pulled me into the other room about how I was ruining her chances with one guy who could turn our lives.

She's says the same thing every time she brings someone new home, I don't think it's clicked that she won't meet decent guy is the incredibly shifty night clubs she spends all her time in.

After she finished lecturing she went out with that guy, I didn't bother learning his name- he'll be gone this time tomorrow, and I went up to my room and started working on that history essay to take my mind off things.

Have you started that history assessment yet? I doubt it; you'll do it the night before like usual, or the lunchtime before in some circumstances. I've started mine, but you've probably already guessed that. It could have been finished by now, but I'd rather write to you that write about how much the Weimar Republic failed. That's the title of the assessment by the way; "How far was the Weimar Republic a success?" and the answer is not very much, you probably didn't write either of them down so I thought I remind you.

You'd probably call me a nerd or something like that if you found out that I (almost) finished the history essay on the night it was set, well, not you, but certainly the really loud, obnoxious assholes like Gilbert and Alfred. I know they're your friends and all, but I still don't like them- They are very loud, very annoying, Gilbert isn't awesome and Alfred isn't a hero.

There are all of people I don't like and that annoy me. You, although I tell you do otherwise at school, are not one of those people. Yes, you are very annoying, but I don't not like you. I, secretly, like the loud, annoying, idiotic, glomping, over-affectionate Mathias. But you won't catch me dead telling that to anyone out loud, ever.

It's probably a good thing you won't read, because I would never hear the end of it,

Lukas


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey guys~! So as the next chapter I will start writing Mathias's letters, I'm not really sure how it'll turn out but I want a second point of view, especially for some later plot points. **

**Also I'm really proud for updating daily! But I won't be updating early in the day like have been for the past chapters, updates will probably be around 5:00 pm - 6:30 pm (GMT)**

* * *

Dear Mathias,

There are two main things I want to tell you today. The first is about that guy I mentioned yesterday, the one I found in the kitchen with my mum, and the second I want to tell you is actually something about yourself.

Firstly, that guy is still here. I got home and he was on the sofa, spooning my mum, watching 'Love Actually.' Do you know how weird it is to walk in on someone, who is practically a stranger, spooning your mother, watching a sappy, romantic Christmas film in March, (because let's face it, it is practically march.)

We don't even own that film, so I want to know why he owns that type of movie because they couldn't have brought it today at this time in the year.

I went straight up to room right after I saw them in the front room anyway, I don't think either of them noticed I'd even that I'd even come home. Oh well, it's not like that's any different than usual, it's just noisier than usual all I can hear is that film all the way up here.

I really don't like that guy so it's not like I care if or if not he notices that I'm here, in fact I would prefer it if he just left me alone but I think he might one of guys who'd try and act like he's my dad and try to do loads of those father-son activities together which won't _ever_ be happening over my dead body. I just want him to hurry up and leave like everyone else and stop acting like he actually cares about my mum and isn't after a quick fling.

That other thing I wanted to tell you is, as I already mentioned, something about you. I was thinking about us, and about how much you've done for me. I mean, when I first moved here from Norway, you were the first person to try and become friends with me, you helped me learn English when you learnt that I only spoke Norwegian, you've stuck to me like glue ever since the day we met, you punched that guy in the face for me (He only said my hair looked girly, you didn't have to break his nose,) and you're always looking out for me.

All that just got me thinking about how much it all means to me and, when I think everything you've done and how much I've done, it makes me realise how much you do mean to me. And I won't ever say this out loud, but you really mean a lot to me and I don't see why you've put up with me insulting you all these years.

Thank you,

Lukas


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This ones kinda short, so sorry about that ^^" **

**Also this is from Mathias's point of view (as I mentioned previously) I hope it's okay for you guys and not too OOC.**

**And thanks for all the reviews and favourites and follows and views *glomps all around to everyone reading this***

* * *

To Lukas,

I worry about you, ya know. I know that I may act like an idiot most of the time, but it doesn't mean I don't notice the important things.

These past few weeks, you've been acting funny, not in a very noticeable way- I don't think anyone but me has actually picked up on it, but there are just little things you do that stick out to me. I know that's it's probably nothing, but I can't help worrying about my little Norge!

You know you're not eating enough right? You don't eat anything at school and you're so skinny! And don't go trying to convince me you're naturally slim or something like that because there's slim, there's skinny and then there's you. I don't think you're eating at home either. You know, if you're not careful I' going to drag you over to my house and make you eat. And coffee doesn't count as food.

I know that things haven't been great with your family and everything, especially after your dad left, and I'm guessing you can't really talk to your mum about the stuff that bothers you, which kinda just leaves me for you to talk to 'cos I know you wouldn't want to worry Tino with anything because he'd just be Tino and blow things way out of proportion and constantly fret over you, and Berwald is Berwald and kinda not really talktoable (yeah that's a word now.)

I know you've never been one to thrust your problems onto other people, but I'd listen to anything you have to say so don't even think that you'd be a burden, 'cos that's probably what you are thinking.

I'll be here for you if you ever need someone talk to or to get anything off your chest,

Mathias


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey guys! I don't really have much to say today apart from I really shouldn't be writing and start revising for my maths exam tomorrow but this is more fun. **

**Also because you guys are awesome and I almost have 25 reviews, the 25th reviewers can get a one-shot for any hetalia pairing of their choice. I'll probably do the same for the 50th reviewer, if I ever get that many *does puppy eyes***

**Sorry for the shortness, I hope you like it as much as the other chapters.**

* * *

Dear Mathias

Oh god. I have done something, just, I need you to understand right now that this wasn't meant to happen and that it was all a complete accident. I honestly didn't mean for any of this to happen.

I'd better start from the beginning; I came home from school early at around half four just like I usually do, and _he _was still here with my mum. Not wanting to spend any unnecessary time around them, I went straight up to my room and started working on that art project. I was just cutting out the title with a craft knife, when my hand slipped and I accidentally cut myself. It was barely anything- just a small cut on my hand, but it was enough to get that little nagging voice going.

_Not enough, cut again, more blood, it won't hurt, just one cut, one little._

I know I shouldn't of, but I couldn't help it. It was almost like my body was moving by itself, like that little nagging voice had control- but I wasn't resisting, I didn't want to resist. I let myself do it. I should of stopped.

It wasn't so bad at the time- it felt kind of nice, seeing that blood trickle down my arm. It helped at the time and I liked it- it made me feel better, like I was letting out all my problems out with my blood.

I know it's bad, and I know I shouldn't have liked it, and now I do regret it. I'm scared that I'm going to do it again. I'm scared that someone will find out. But I want to feel that pleasure again and now I'm just confused because I want to do it again, but I don't.

It was bad, but it helped and I enjoyed it. I'm scared and I just want to curl up and cry and want you to tell it's okay and everything will be fine, but you'd probably hate me if you ever found out, so I won't tell. I won't tell anyone. I'll be fine by myself. I always am.

Lukas


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This chapter is so short! *bows in apology* I don't think I write Mathias's letter as well as Lukas's so this may be a little OOC, also I've kinda ill today and last night which lead to writer block. I don't have anything else to say apart from that, so enjoy zis chapter **

* * *

To Lukas

You're hiding something, aren't you. You were all jumpy today, like every time some spoke to you or bumped into you would jump or flinch and there'd be this flash of panic in your eyes. And it's not just me that's noticed Tino and Berwald spotted that your hiding something from us as well. You know we just want to help you, right?  
It doesn't help that it's so obvious usually you're so good at hiding your feelings and stuff.

I asked you about it, but you said you were fine and it was nothing and I'm an idiot. I may be an idiot, but you are not fine and it is not nothing.

It's actually kind of scary to see you like this, you're still trying to convince everyone that everything's fine when it's not, and you won't tell any of us what's wrong. I just want to help you, we all do, but I can't if you won't talk to me. I can take a wild guess that it has something to do with your family, and probably your mum, but apart from that I don't have a clue.

And then there's the whole eating issue; you've stopped getting lunch altogether and you're not eating at home, that's also pretty obvious. you know you're going to make yourself sick if you don't start eating properly, right?

I want to help you, but you have to talk to us. I know that you'd much rather keep everything to yourself and deal with it all alone, but it isn't healthy and it becoming too much for you. I can't force you to talk to me about this and I don't know if you ever will speak out to anyone.

I don't want you to suffer in silence, but I don't want to make you talk, and just don't know what to do, I just want the good old Lukas back,

Mathias


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I nearly didn't get this chapter out today but I managed it! *fist pumps* And I have almost reach 1000 views! Thank you to everyone who has followed/favourited/read/reviewed because I never thought one of my stories would ever get so much support! **

* * *

Dear Mathias

I now have an excuse to hate that guy, You know the one my mum's seeing. I was walking past the that little connivence store near school, and I noticed some man getting off with some red-head chick outside and as got closer I recognised him- he was the guy seeing my mum. I just stopped a few feet away and glared at him until he noticed me. When he did, he said something to the girl, who then gave him her number and trotted off down the road, and wandered over to me. He shoved a couple of notes in my hand and hopped into his car and drove away. He even kept the red-heads number and put it in his jacket pocket.

By the time I got home, he was already back and cuddling with my mum. He must have waiting for me because as soon as I had closed the front door he got up and pulled me into the kitchen. He told that if I breathed a word, there'd be trouble. I didn't say anything, I just continued to glare up at him and shrugged out of his grip before going back up to my room.

I hate his guts and I want to see him burn in hell. I'm not over exaggerating either, I know my mum isn't perfect, she's far from it, but that's doesn't mean he can treat her like shit. I want her to be happy again, like when my father was still together with her, but this guy has just taken my mum's heart and is toying with it for his own pleasure.

But I wouldn't tell her, even if he wasn't bribing and threatening me. I don't want to be the one to hurt her, but I know it'll hurt her even more when she finds it out herself.

I know my mum hasn't exactly been the best parent ever, and I won't deny the fact that she has treated me like shit, but I want her to be happy again and that guy going to break her heart and I don't want that to happen again.

What do you think I should? because I really have no idea what I'm meant to do now,

Lukas


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Okay, three things:**

**1- All these chapters are set a couple of days apart from each other, I hadn't stated early and I just wanted to make that clear**

**2- This is chapter is short because it's a two parter I wanted both Denmark and Norway's point of views so chapter ten carries on from this but in Denmark PoV**

**3- Remember that I mentioned I'd do a one-shot for the 25th reviewer? Well Haruka Tenou Distant Sky King was the 25th so PM me a pairing/character and a theme and I'll start working on that for you :3**

**Enjoy chapter nine! **

* * *

Dear Mathias,

Why are you in my house, sitting in my living room, ordering pizza?

Although I have admit, you do have pretty good timing- my mum and that guy have just gone out for the evening when you arrived. At least you don't have to suffer the presence of him. He's been here for over a week and I still don't know his name. Oh well, he can stay as that guy, it's more than he deserves anyway.

But that still doesn't mean I'm overlooking the fact that you randomly barged into my house uninvited. I've left you to entertain yourself downstairs for now, which apparently means ordering take-aways.

I know why you're here, at least I pretty sure I know why. You going to try to make me eat because I haven't been eating at school, right? You're not as stupid as you look, you spot the little differences in people.

Anyway, don't worry, I'll eat some of that pizza you've got. Only a little bit though, just half a slice, and only because it's you. You won't be making me eat any more than that, I refuse and you can't make me. To be honest, you're lucky I'm going to be eat anything at all.

I better go back downstairs and make sure you don't do anything stupid and hurt yourself. I should really apologise for leaving you alone, but I had to make sure that nothing I don't want you to find was lying around in case you came up and started nosing in my room,

Lukas


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY! I was doing so well as well *sniff* I've just been so busy this week- a maths exam, english C.A. and two german exams. I got an A in my german speaking at least *fist-pumps* **

**So yeah, exams and writers block don't make for good updating. **

**Anyway, time for Denmark's PoV of chapter 9**

* * *

To Lukas,

Well at least you've eaten a little bit of the pizza, that's at least something I guess. It could be worse I suppose, I mean you were somewhat willing to eat it, you don't seem exactly over the moon about it (you were giving the pizza box a death glare after all) but you ate, it's a start at least.

But when I hugged you, which you weren't pleased about either but hey, you were so skinny! And not not the good, attractive skinny either. You are quite literally stick-thin. I pretty sure we could measure your waist with one of those mini, fifteen centimetre rulers or something like that (God that metaphor failed.) That is actually really concerning, I might have to tell Berwald and Tino, they do deserve to know, and although Tino'll make a really big scene out of it, it might just knock some sense into you.

But moving on from the food topic, you know, your house hasn't changed at all since the last time I was here. Apart from a funny lingering smell of alcohol and cigarettes, but I guess your mum's to blame for that.

Also, why I am banned from your bedroom? Half of me's saying that it's because your hiding something, and the other half's saying that it just because your room's a mess. I asked you and you said it was because you needed to tidy up in there, but you said it like you were lying, so now I really want to go and nose around and find out what you're hiding from everyone, but then you'll hate me and I really don't want that,

Mathias


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I am so sorry! It's been at least a week! The good news is that I think I've sussed out how I'm going to finish this story thanks to a discussion with I-Love-Too-Much-Stuff-To-Say on the train yesterday to Comic-con. I was fem! Spain if any of you were there.**

**Anyway, on with chapter 1! I hope you enjoy! **

* * *

Dear Mathias

He's gone. He's finally gone. I hate him and now he's gone, shouldn't I be happy? But I just hate him even more and in a funny sort of way, I wish he'd come back.

I can hear mum downstairs at the moment, she's crying and drinking. The last tine she cryer this much was after dad left. They split up the same way as well. Well, I found out the same way- I got home and she was screaming at him for having an affair just like with dad.

But this time, when I got in, he turned and glared at me, like it was all my fault, and then he started yelling and saying that it was me fault and that I'd told my mum about that incident with that girl the other day.

I really thought that he was going to punch when my mum started screaming at him and telling that I wasn't his son and even though i was a pain in the ass and wasn't wanted, only she had the right to slap me.

I'm not really sure how I should have taken that, she stood up for me- that's an massive improvement, but then she went and said that. It hurt so much to hear those words from her, and I know I should hate but I can't. She's my mum and I can't really blame her, she's been though a lot other these past few years and I probably just feel like a burden to her anyway.

I ended up cutting again as well, although I was kind of hoping that it would only be a one time thing but apparently not. I keep thinking someone's going to find out about everything and end up telling everyone. Then everybody'll hate me, even you. I know you hate the fact I'm keeping secrets from you, I wish I could open up to you but I can't, maybe one day I will but for in the mean time these letters will have to do,

Lukas


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I'M SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON! It's not like I have really excuse either, just writers block. Again. I would say it's because I have an art exam on monday, which I do, but it's not like I've been preparing that much. ( I'm gonna fail (TTwTT) /shot.)**

**Anywho, I really am trying to overcome this block, but until then I only hope I'll update this quicker because I hate leaving you guys.**

**On with chapter 12! (I'm pretty sure my author notes take up the majority of the word count)**

Dear Mathias

I don't think I can take much more of this. It's getting harder and harder to hide everything from people; I can't get any sleep at night, I'm failing all of my classes at school and I keep getting these dizzy spells.

It doesn't help that mum blames me for the break up as well, so now I have both of them on my case. I keep thinking I see him watching me from around corners, I know he probably isn't, but it really creeps me out because I know he hates me and that he thinks it my fault mum found out about the other girls so why wouldn't he want to stalk me and slit my throat as soon as he gets me alone. Well, the throat slitting is probably a bit over the top, but you get my point.

And then there's school. I swear every other teacher keeps tracking me down and questioning me about why I've slipped from an A to a D in whatever subject area. I don't care if I end up failing all my exams anyway, it's not like I'm going to get into uni either way because we're not exactly in a stable financial situation, it's like my dad'll want to chip in and help get my into further education even though he has plenty of money to spare anyway. I'll probably end up living in a cardboard box in a random alleyway as soon as mum kicks me out because I'd have no where else to go.

And then there's P.E. It's okay at the moment because I just disappear off to the library and read for two hours every tuesday before lunch, butthere are only so many excuses I can make up to get my way out of doing P.E.

I might as well give up here before things go from bad to worse, mightn't I,

Lukas


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Another pathetically short chapter! \(TTwTT)/ **

**My art exam has now finished so yay! But there is a quick question I need to ask you all before regarding the plot of this story; Should I or should I not kill off Lukas? (If I kill him Emil can finally make an appearance, but if don't kill him Emil shall forever remain in Iceland) **

* * *

To Lukas,

Okay, I don't care how many time you tell me otherwise, you are _not_ fine. Even Feliciano asked me if you were feeling okay in history. Even he's noticed something's wrong, and do you know dense that kid is?

And now you've started skipping out on PE as well! Which I know isn't exactly you favourite lesson, but now whenever we have get into teams, it's just me, Tino and Berwald so I end up being the awkward third wheel, do you how much that sucks? Okay, so maybe Tino is actually surprisingly good at dodgeball, but I still get lonely without my Norge!

On the brighter side of things; I've finally come up with a plan to find out what's wrong! Do you remember when I told I'd come round you're house and make eat pizza if you didn't start eating? Well this time I'm going to come round to your house and find out what's upsetting you and why you can't tell us.

I would come over tonight but I'm kinda stuck babysitting my nephew. I swear Peter is the most annoying little child on the face of this planet! Either that or he just likes to piss me off all the time.

But that aside, I will find out what's been wrong and what's making you so upset,

Mathias


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Almost 60 reviews! \(i w i)/**

**So thank you for all your input on the to kill or not kill Lukas subject. I have settled on his fate, but you'll have to wait until later to find out :3**

**On with chapter 14~**

* * *

Dear Mathias,

You Idiot!

I told you not to come inside, I told I was busy, I told you not to go upstairs, I told you to stay out of my room, I told you not to poke around in my stuff, but you didn't listen! You never listen!

This shouldn't have happened, you weren't meant to find out. I should have stopped you before it was too late. But I didn't, and now you know.

This was my secret and it was meant to stay like that. I didn't want people to know, I didn't want _you_ know, I don't want Tino to know, I don't want Berwald to know, I don't want mum to know, I don't want anyone else to know.

But you'll tell people, you'll tell everyone. It's not your fault, it's just the way you are.

This is all my fault. I was the one who cut in the first place. I was the one who let you find out. I was the one who was careless in hiding their secrets. I was the one who hurt you by hiding everything from you.

I understand if you don't want to friends anymore, I wouldn't blame you, I wouldn't want to friends with someone who cut either. Just remember that I'm sorry. I really, truly am. I was just scared of what you'd do if you found out. I should have told you earlier, maybe you wouldn't hate as much if you'd found out earlier.

Either way, I am so sorry,

Lukas


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: hey again, sorry for being such a poor updated these past few weeks. I've been pretty focused on cosplay and dance covers- I have almost memorised Bad Apple and I'm just waiting on Fem-Denmark/Norway/Sweden/Russia/Canada wig (It's amazing how many characters you can cosplay a with one long, pale blonde wig) **

**Anywho, on with chapter 15!**

* * *

To Lukas,

I am so, so sorry; I guess that I'm a pretty rubbish friend after all.

It's not likt I don't regret finding the razors in your room or the scars on your wrists, but I what I do regret is that I didn't find them earlier. Maybe if I had been a better friend this situation would have been out in the open earlier on and might not have gotten this bad.

All of this time I knew something was wrong, but I never imagined that it was this bad. I never thought you could in fact be on the verge of killing yourself.

I don't really know what to do anymore- I thought I was being a good friend by asking if you were alright everyday, but I let all this happen. Maybe if I paid more attention to you before, I might have been able to pick up on some subtle hint or something, but I didn't. I guess I just wasn't such a good friend as I wanted to be after all. I just wish I'd spotted the signs earlier.

But I suppose what's done is done and I'm going to be a better a friend from now on. I'm going to help you get through this, I'm going to find out about all of the problems that drove you to this point and I'm going help you sort them out. Not that you really have much say on the matter; I'll be helping you out whether you want me or not.

And maybe if I try hard enough, I'll be able to make up for being such a terrible friend beforehand,

Mathias


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: So long story short; I broke my phone, I write my stories on my phone so no phone equals very slow updates. The good news is I found my old ipod touch which means I can still write stories in the middle of the night.**

**Anyway, I'm not too sure about this chapter, but I have the feeling a lot of have been waiting for this chapter so I hope it's okay~**

**(and ermahgerd 65 reviews! You guys are awesome!)**

* * *

Dear Mathias,

I see you watching me all the time now. I know what your doing; your making sure I don't do anything 'stupid.'

To be honest, it is kind of nice to have your attention all of the time. But I can't help but bad about it; you're doing all of this and I still won't talk to you about it, I won't talk to anyone. I know everyone always says that problems always become easier to carry if you talk to other people about them, and I know I should but I can't.

I don't know if it's because I'm scared that he'll come back, or if I'm scared of other people finding and thinking I'm weak (which I guess I am) or if it's just that I don't know how to open up to people; all my life, I have never spoken out to anyone about anything- I've always kept everything to myself and let it all build up.

I suppose what I'm scared about most of all is you leaving or hating me just like everyone else. My dad left and mum hates me and I don't want the same to happen to you. Ever since we first met, you've always stuck to me like glue and I can't imagine loosing you like I lost my dad.

I guess the real reason I don't open up to you is because I'm scared that you'll be disgusted by everything that's goes on in my mind, not just the stuff to do with my mum and my dad and him, there's other stuff as well; stuff about me and you, or rather _us_, in ... compromising positions, stuff I really shouldn't be thinking about. I can't even bring myself to write it down because I'm disgusting myself so god knows what you or anyone else would think if they ever found this.

I suppose I really am just a lost cause after all,

Lukas


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: It's been ages hasn't it. I do have some what of an excuse through; watched the Hobbit again. (Yeah, that's my amazing excuse) So I've been fangirling to myself over Fili and Kili for the past week. But then I read the latest chapter of _Hummingbird _and listened to _My Dearest and _then BOOM! DenNor mood back again.**

**Anywho, enjoy chapter 17!**

* * *

Dear Lukas,

I'm kind of stumped about how to help you. I know that I can't force you to speak out about whatever's going on at home, and I wouldn't want to force you either way, but I can't just sit here and watch you crumble away.

All I can think of to do at the moment is to just keep a close eye on you and hope to pick up on a clue or something like that about what's going on.

I just wish you would open up to someone, _anyone._ I know you the type of person who keeps everything to themselves, but I've said it before and I'll say it again, that option won't do you, or any of us any good.

Tino's worried sick about you, but if you hadn't noticed that already you would have probably guessed anyway. He does worry way too much about other people rather than himself. He keeps asking me what's wrong with you, and I just keep on telling him that you going through a rough patch at home or that it's family stuff which isn't a complete lie. I never go into any detail about your dad and stuff like that through, he might already know all that stuff but I don't want to mention it case you never told him.

And as for Berwald, well I don't think we'll ever know what goes on in his mind, but I'm guessing he's concerned for you, we all are, but Tino does enough fretting for the both of them.

This whole situation just makes me feel so useless; I don't have a clue about how to help you for as long as you're not telling anyone.

I just want you speak to someone, I don't care who, just someone who'll listen to you as you get everything off your chest,

Mathias


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: *bows in apology* I'm really _really you _guys, but writers block and exams are a bitch. I am really determined to finish this story unlike my other multi-chapter stories (which got deleted because they were shit.) **

**I'm not really sure where I'm taking this story any. I asked my sister on the kill or not to kill Norway subject and she told to fake make him fake his death which I am considering, but I'd really like your input as well! **

**Anywho, on with chapter 18!**

* * *

Dear Mathias,

I ended waking up at half three in the morning today to the sound of my mum screaming down the phone at someone.

At first, I thought it might of been _that_ guy again trying to crawl back into our lives. But it wasn't him, which was a huge relief.

It was actullay my dad.

I couldn't quite believe it at first, but I kept hearing mentioning some the things he did, like how he left us or that icelandic girl he's with.

From what I could gather from my mums half of the convocation, he's planning to move back over here. That bit I don't really care about that much, he can do what ever the hell wants for all I care, he doesn't deserve my concern about his actions.

The bit I cared about, was the fact that he wants to move _here_, back to this town. Out of all the the possible places in the world, he wants to move to our town. The problem with him coming back is that he'll be bringing Emil and his slut of a wife with him. Not that I have any problems with Emil, I've been wanting to get to know my little step-brother for a while.

My real issue is Freda or Freya or what her name is, the whore who broke up my family. It's her fault we're in this mess anyway. If she hadn't come in ten years ago swaying her hips and flicking her hair, my dad wouldn't have run off with her in the first place, and he would have always stayed with us here and mum wouldn't be drinking herself unconscious every night.

But what's her name slut isn't the only one to blame. It takes two to argue and it takes two to abandon someones wife and son and run of to Iceland with supermodel so I can hate them both, and I do, I hate both of them.

But you can't really blame me I suppose,

Lukas


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I've given up working out how long it's been since my last update. I'M SUCH A BAD PERSON! I am trying my best, I finish school a week today so I'll have a lot more writing time. **

**Unfortunately my brain is still going fili-kili-****fili-kili-****fili-kili-****fili-kili at the moment but I'm not giving up! I've promised myself that I will finish this story, unlike my other multi-chapter stories which I gave up on and deleted because they were terrible.**

**************Anywho, on with chapter 19~!**

* * *

Dear Lukas,

You know the house next door to mine has been for sale for quite a while now, well, you might not have known, but you do now. Anyway, it's finally been sold to some family from Iceland.

I thought you might like to know that, Iceland is pretty similar to Norway isn't it?

But anyway, the family moved in yesterday but I didn't actually meet them until this morning because it was all 'lets clog up the road with moving vans' yesterday.

They seem pretty nice, I haven't meet the dad yet, but the mum seems pretty nice, but you can't understand half the stuff she's saying because she has a really strong accent, but she has got one hell of a figure!

They've got a son as well. The kid's probably two years younger than us or something like that. He reminds me a lot of you- he's got the pale bond hair and violet-y eyes and the death glare.

But I think he might hate through because I started calling him Emmy so he death-glared at me from across his front yard, just like you when I tried calling you Lu-Lu that one time.

It's really weird, it's like there's now a mini version of you living next door to me.  
I'm pretty sure you two are secretly related, like brothers separated at birth or something along those lines. It'd be really cool if you were, it'd be like some out of a film or something like that.

Anyway, I should probably go now. I still need to do that history assignment, that's due in tomorrow isn't it?

Mathias


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: A wild update appears!**

**I think you guys must be kind of annoyed with all my excuses TT-TT I am trying, I finished school on thursday (I think I might have mentioned that last time) so I have a lot more time on my hands right. But I will be ipod-less for a while because as you know, my phone died and I'm giving both my my phone and my old ipod touch to a friend who will probably be able to fix them. Once I get them back, I can carry on writing this at three in the morning just like I used to!**

**Only 15 off 100 reviews, guys! Thank you all so much for your continued support, it means so much to me!**

**Also I've noticed that most of my readers are American and since I'm not, do you think Norway sounds too British? **

**Anywho, on with chapter 20!**

* * *

Dear Mathias,

Mum's started drinking again.

Well, technically she never stopped, but she's started drinking really heavily again.

When I left for school this morning, she was passed out on the sofa with god knows how many empty bottles and cans. And when I got home after school, she was sitting on the kitchen floor downing a bottle of vodka.

I didn't even bother saying hello to her when I got in. I don't think she even noticed I had got home. I don't think she notices me at all any more, and I'm pretty certain she care about me at all.

I want to get back in touch with my dad, not because I want to forgive him- he doesn't deserve my forgiveness- but I want to see him so he can see what he did when he disappeared in the middle of the night only leaving a message scrawled on the back of an old shopping receipt.

I was planning on bringing it up with my mum some time, but I think we'll both agree on the fact that that is no longer an option.

Even if she was somewhat sober enough to have a proper convocation with, I don't think there would be a way for me to have a talk with her about me wanting to find the man who abandoned us, well, a talk that didn't involve her getting extremely pissed off, drunk, swearing her head off or possibly lashing out.

What do you think I should do? At the very least I just want to see Emil. It's weird knowing you have a little brother living in the same town as you but not even knowing what he looks like.

Lukas


End file.
